IN VAIN

stubborn. dimmed. shadowed. Things are getting weirder and weirder for me. I am desperate. I want to search for something. An inspiration. A voice that would clear up everything. A soul that could diminish all the sadness in me.

Mind's getting stuck up and it's like a dizz. My family... suffocating a problem. Who keeps on thinkin' and carrying the thing? Me. Who tries to realize everything to make things clear? Me. I AM SO CONFUSED. My thoughts are low. I can't think of a MOVE. I CAN'T MOVE. Why? I don't know. Maybe I am in vain... pretending that I could carry the burden all along alone.

Alone? I think. My sister's like a carefree person... yeah i know she's too young to realize things. Of course she would be dependent because there's someone to lean on. I remembered her saying to me, "Ate wag ka na umalis dito pagcollege ka. Hindi ko kaya." I was... thinking twice, if i would continue my plans trying to be independent in an apartment wit my friends at college. What would my family be... when i already leave? Would we have a gap or something? OR WOULD I HAVE THE GAP on them?

I am so foolish, that i don't know, what to do. I wanted to tell everything i feel to my sister... I don't know if she would listen to me. IF SHE WOULD MARK MY WORDS. HEY sis, our family's about to blow.... what's up?! Yeah... But i can't exactly.. rightly, say that. I don't know if she would get every single thing clear. I while ago... I mean this last minute, before i had type this fishy tag, we had a fight. I AM TRYING TO SAY "THE PROBLEM" to my sister, i think she's not really interested. She explained to me what our dad said. Uhuh... yeah, brainwashed... she was so young that she couldn't get every snap of it. I also tried to ask my lolo bout "the problem" he did some smiling thingy... and some words... then he couldn't answer... then my dad popped out his words and he did the explaining.. he smiled at lolo... MAN! I AM NOT THAT STUPID TO KNOW WHAT"S behind THAT smile and reasons! Father's giving me a brainwash in defending lolo.... Do you think i wouldn't get what they meant?! MAN PEOPLE! IF ONLY YOU KNEW WHAT"S THE PROBLEM! The only people who knew my prob is my closest friends, NEri, Abel and Charm. SO going back to me and my sister's fight, i taunted her lots of times... trying to shout... "BAHALA KA NA PAG WALA AKO.. WALA PAKIALAMAN.....WAG MO MASABI SABI SAKIN NA D MO KAYA. BAHALA KA." yeAH, somewhat like that. ANd she shouted back. "OO.. talaga, pagdadasal ko pa. THANK YOU." As if she's talking sarcastic. If only my sister feels what i feel. I was really hurt. She doesn't know how hard it is for me... ASA KASI PALAGI. She doesn't know how to feel being depended on and being the carrier of the burden. MAN! Ah!i don't know what to say... I am so irritated right now...

Heads up... til then....